A Tribute to my Mom

Its been a month since my mother passed to the other side of mortality. I've thought often about the concepts that came to me in the middle of the night - ideas of what to share at her funeral. I was given thoughts about her crown, her scepter and the kingdom - ideas symbolic of what she lived every day of her life so well.  The words I shared then are close to the following:

The week prior to mom's passing was sacred and miraculous. There were angels in the room. One of those angels on this side of the veil was my sweet compassionate sister Kathy who helped make those moments sweet, tender and sacred.  There was so much heaven was trying to teach me.  I hope the things I am learning may be helpful to you.  As she moved in and out of sleep for a week, the phrase repeated most often was "I love you. forever." If you are looking for a message personally to you - I'm delivering it in her words. "I love you forever."

 

I begin with the idea that mom is a queen. As one grandchild said, ""She is more queen than the queen of England." I will use the imagery of a crown, a scepter and a kingdom to try to convey what mom knew. Mom said: 

 

"To become a wife, then a mother, is the greatest blessing and honor of my life. I regard it as the highest holiest most sacred calling to be given me. to become a mother, is one of the most glorious gifts of all."

 

This is the crown - the crown of identity and moral authority.

.When I was raising many small children close together I often cried out for light.  What saved me was my mother's knowledge of God's Plan.  I KNEW my mom had something most precious. .  I knew it.  In those challenging days I would regularly show up at her house with my children, worn out and crying for love and validation. She poured her love over all of us and helped me get through many difficult days. President Nelson said: 

“No one can do what a righteous woman can do. No one can duplicate the influence of a mother. ... Women have a special gift for [communicating the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior to others]—a divine endowment. You have the capacity to sense what someone needs—and when he or she needs it.

This divine endowment of seeing and responding to needs can be found in what our family members have shared over time:

• A grandson said: "My favorite thing about grandma is that no matter what you are going through or however hard of a day you are having, grandma will make you feel like you are worth a million bucks."
• A daughter in law said: "She always makes you feel the center of attention..."
• A son said: "I love how Mom will always just sit and talk to you as if you were the only one in the the world! Doesn’t matter what she’s doing, she’ll stop and just focus on you and listening to you with such intent and excitement."
• A daughter in law said: "[She always] gave me a hug when I came through the door. [She] always make me feel loved and appreciated. "
• A grandson said:  “What I love about Grandma is how she has always expressed interest in what I am doing and what my current plans are."
• Last night a friend said:  "I always feel better after being with her."

In her humble way she focused on others. She was never a drama queen. She never had to be the center. It wasn't about her. She hugged, she wrote notes, she shared her famous onion bread, she listened, she really listened.

 

I remember calling my mom from the UN in New York to wish her a happy birthday.  I remember the stark contrast of the voices devaluing motherhood  in the hallways of the United Nations, while I talked with my mother who truly understood identity and put deep into my soul God's plan of love, family and motherhood. The contrast of her voice and their voices stands out clearly in my mind. She understood things that they did not. 

 

That is why I think sometimes the crown looks invisible. The power of mothers to teach the divine is almost hidden from view.  In a similar thread, one of moms favorite quotes is from "The Little Prince,"  "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. " My Mom could see. What matters was visible to mom.  Her dance of identity came from deep within - she knew it, loved it and lived it. 

 

Lets add to the crown.  My mom had a scepter - a scepter of power from which she drew strength.

This scepter wasn't to rule others with. This is how she governed herself.  What do you do when the world is dark and full of deceit?  When your oldest daughter is dying? When life doesn't make sense?  When life is HARD! How do you gather the strength to be a queen? The answer is you don't rule others, you rule yourself.  This is influence. Mom didn't control people she disciplined her soul .

With what? What is this scepter? This is the scepter of gratitude.  This is not a shallow gratitude of "I'm so grateful for everything."  It was a profound gratitude to God because she knew she could trust Him. I used to think maybe it was naiveté. it wasn't. She made an intentional choice to be grateful. It wasn't just the teaching from Grandma Jean which she would often share, "If you can't say something nice -don't say anything at all."  This if more than a "just be nice" policy. It is a power and weapon to fight the darkness. It came from seeing Gods hand in all things. Mom always said, "God is in charge."

 

When you see God's hand everywhere, you realize you are part of something grander and greater than you can imagine.  And when you see that, you are filled with joy. My mom was filled with joy. 

 

Much of this was learned in the fiery furnace of Julie's health difficulties. Julie's health problems were complex. Julie had near forty surgeries and eighty two doctors, therapists and anesthesiologists. Pain was near constant. Answers were not there.  After she passed away at age 30 mom wrote: 

"I think of Julie as she continues to bless my life daily.  If I were an artist, I would paint her relieved of pain. She would be radiant, whole and well, experiencing great happiness and joy.  She would be surrounded by her many loved ones who have also gone on to the other side of the veil. .. .Faith is a gift. I fasted and prayed with all my heart and learned to turn it over the Lord. I did not always understand, but I knew He did. Hope is a gift.  Julie's hope was in the resurrection and its promise of a perfect and strong body.  Doctors could not offer solutions. Life's dreams of marriage, family and a normal life were not feasible. Still she developed hope. Someday, she knew it would be made right. ...Gratitude is a gift. Where others might have found it difficult to be thankful,  Julie expressed gratitude over every tiny little gesture performed in her behalf.... a trait developed through great heartache and anguish."

Mom took this compassion and faith with her to Baltimore where she served a mission with Dad. The first night they became completely lost in a maze of freeways and miraculously arrived through prayer. (This was before GPS.)  Another night they had a flat tire in the middle of downtown Baltimore in the night. Miraculously a man showed up and said, I have been sent to help you. My mom saw God's hand all through their mission. A granddaughter said:

“You have taught me so much about being a woman, being a daughter of God and a future wife.  You are my hero and example that I want to exemplify in my life. You have overcome some of the most bitter trials that life has to offer and yet at the end of the day; you are a radiant beam of sun giving thanks to God always. “

She trusted God, she danced the dance of gratitude with her scepter of power and majesty. 

 

Third thought:  With Dad she created a kingdom.  

Building a kingdom for them was to create a refuge and protection from the world - a haven from the world to teach the laws and covenants of God to their children. Mom wrote a children’s book:  "How a House became a Home." In its simplest form she was writing the pattern to creating a loving kingdom as she understood it from the raw materials of mortality. The last page is says "This is not the end."  I love that. It wasn't the end. The love and its surrounding kingdom lives on. Creating and loving is what the Gods do.  

Mom loved creation - appreciating God's beautiful landscapes, birds and nature. She loved to sew,  create a beautiful table, and arrange flowers. 

Their kingdom was not only for creation, but also a place to renew and heal.  It was a place of truth. It was a place of non-judgment. I marvel continually at mom's ability to not judge, reprove, or reject. One grandson said, “The thing I love about grandma is that no matter how dirty I was after working with Grandpa, she would still give me a hug.” 

 

On being accepting I think of a few weeks ago, we brought up something at the table. And she disagreed, or maybe I disagreed but we were all the better for it.  We each could learn from what the other could see. And like a hundred other things she didn't judge me for it. It was independent of the relationship. This is glorious. This is what would heal families, nations and our world.  unity wasn't agreeing with each other. Unity was to love each other and God.

 

Mom knew who she was.  Her crown of identity was secure. Her scepter of gratitude and joy carried her through the darkness and together with Dad, they build a kingdom - a haven.

 

So I made a list of things I could do to emulate mom, like be more grateful and joyful, make home clean & beautiful, and then I realized that isn’t it. I needed to go back a layer. My actions may be different as I apply the crown, the scepter and kingdom. It is what SHE KNEW about womanhood.  She was true to her mission.  A mission largely lost to and rejected by the world. I need to ponder to know more about this divine essential role and how it relates to the world I live in. It isn't just being more grateful and joyful. It's trusting God. It's seeing that God is in charge, letting the gratitude and joy flow.  Its taking the raw materials of my generation to build a haven and kingdom, a refuge city from the world. 

 

Of the 2000 stripling warriors,  scripture records, "We do not doubt our mothers knew it."

I do not doubt. My MOTHER KNEW IT. She knew the treasures of the kingdom.

 

She knew it, she loved it she lived it. She heard the music and danced the dance. She  laid it out  when she said all week, "I love you forever, forever, forever." 

 

As my niece and I sat on either side of Mom almost spiritual midwives and witnesses to an exit and entrance between the worlds, I had distinct and overwhelming and powerful feelings of joy and gratitude for her living true to her mission and God's plan. I felt a greater understanding of the power and gift of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ as it pertains to eternal family and the resurrection.

 

Thank you mom! Thank you for teaching us and still teaching us. For loving us and still loving us.  I thank God for his joyful plan and the gift of Jesus that makes it all possible.

 

 

 

  

Angels in the Room

There were angels in the room. I just spent one of the most sacred weeks of my life as my mom prepared to graduate from mortality with flying colors which she did last Friday. She gave grace. She loved. She made the choice to be grateful. She made the choice to feel joy. And she set the quintessential example of not judging. This was a week of love, saying goodbye and miracles. Just moments after her passing while pondering the goodness of her life, I felt a new distinct glimpse of understanding of the magnificence of the gift of Jesus which allows families to be reunited. It was a teaching from heaven straight to my heart. I am filled with gratitude for my mother's love and faith and God's mercy.  

 -facebook post 

Harnessing Intergenerational Power

As a young boy, my Dad broke a grocery store window, scattered hay on the floor of the neighbors barn and stole a crescent wrench. Years later, my Dad was known far and wide as a man of great integrity. How did this happen?

In my Dad's history he recorded the three instances: "The owner informed that the cost of the plate glass window in the Depression was about ten dollars. Prior to this time I had never even had fifty cents to my name. I could hardly hold my head up from crying as my father asked me to come and give him the details concerning this unfortunate event and accident. At the end, he said, 'Tom, we must do the right thing' and he located ten dollars for me to take to this store owner the next morning. ...you will never know how hard it was to take my father's last ten dollars at the bottom of the Depression to pay for a plate glass window that had been caused by my unfortunate negligence and caper."

After my Dad and his cousins pushed the towers of hay over, he says, "My father then instructed that I must ask Bishop Beardahl for forgiveness and promise never to do it again. Again the lessons of life, especially responsibility were beginning at an early age and were developing in my mind."

When the wrench was discovered, “[My dad] instructed me that I must go back and knock on the door, return the wrench and ask for her forgiveness for my stealing of the wrench... This was a terrifying experience to go this 70 or 80 year old stern, eccentric lady, admit that I had done wrong, stole her wrench, and ask for her forgiveness. I can remember riding my bike up and down Wilson Avenue..at least five or six times...." Then he wrote: "Oh, how thankful I am for my father's principles and teachings..."

This story is a treasure to me – and more powerful to me and my children than an entire book on honesty. I'm so grateful for my father's principles and teachings. And I'm grateful for his father's commitment to integrity. They teach me and my children with their lives and their words, with examples and stories. Blessed is the man or woman who has stories in their hands and hearts from their family history to give them direction, strength and purpose.

You harness intergenerational power when you

gather, share and protect your family history stories.

- Diane Fisher

Jesus of Nazareth Taught Radical Ideas

If following Christ means making mistakes and getting up again and again, seeking His word and  trying to live his teachings then I am a Christian. In my growing up years, it seemed simple. The instructions that went with Jesus of Nazareth at Sunday School were BE NICE. That seemed doable enough. Especially when people were nice back. 

But since then I'm finding Jesus meant to overthrow the prevailing cultural philosophies of then and now. He taught radical ideas.

What is radical? Overthrowing the current thought. Revolutionary. Dramatic change. As recorded in Luke 6 Jesus says:

32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them....

35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.

That is different than the prevailing thought.  Love those that don't love you. Love those against you. This is revolutionary and can see I haven't progressed very far. The difficulty I may have experienced in my life doesn't even begin to compare to the enemies of war torn countries, or the tragedy of crime, and needless loss of life. 

A second radical thought: I believe the distinct message I got in high school was the purpose of it all was to go out and earn money. Made sense. Food on the table. But Jesus taught in Matthew 25 that we are to feed the hungry, take care of the stranger, visit those in prison, visit the sick and if we fail to take care of the poor in this manner he will say Depart from me, and we will go into "everlasting fire." Taking care of the poor is not an alternative side event - it is a life focus. 

A third radical thought: Jesus is the only way to God. John 14:6 states: "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me."

No eternal anything except through Jesus! And there is the most beautiful doctrine. Jesus of Nazareth encourages us to COME.  Come to Him. He offers rest. He offers peace. He asks for our faith and our repentance and offers the kingdom in return. He can do that because He paid the price of our sins. He died for us and intercedes in our behalf. 

He invites us to try this out. He invites us to Come. Again and again. “And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely” (Revelation 22:17).He invites us to try out his teachings and follow His life and he applauds our sincere but clumsy attempts. 

I'm continually inspired by people who do just those things. They embrace His radical teachings and counter the prevailing philosophies of our day. I learn of Lebanese people who reach out to their Syrian enemies, and feed them and teach their children. I read of a grieving father who reaches out in love to the drunken teenager who killed his wife and children. I marvel as I learn of a loving librarian who talked to a gunman ready to shoot in a school.  She spoke lovingly to this young man and talked him out of the tragedy he intended to carry out. Lincoln appointed a member to his cabinet that had opposed him and spread lies about him. Corrie Ten Boom after experiencing the horror and degradation of Nazi concentration camps is able to reach out in forgiveness to one of her captors. And thousands, millions more examples of people who embrace this unheard of law of giving love for evil and turning towards Jesus of Nazareth, knowing that hope and healing can be found in Him.  

The results of these radical teachings? More love and less hate in the world. Light and life radiating outwards. Those who seek to apply the teachings of Jesus become better people. They are more kind, they see clearly. They let go of life destroying hate that shrinks the soul. And in many cases, the transforming redemptive power of love reaches out to the oppressive and offending one, causing them to change. These radical ideas bring miracles - the miracle each one of us individually so desperately needs as well as the world. I love these words by Shawna Edwards:

Jesus is a God of miracles

Nothing is at all impossible to Him

But I know this:

Of all His miracles the most incredible must be

The miracle that rescues me

The miracle that rescues you and me.

-Shawna Edwards

Re-Creating Self - Another Story

My soul is renewed every time I contemplate the story of Jean Valjean an ex-convict in 19th-century France. His story is told in Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.  Not too long ago I saw the stage play and marveled again at this man whose life was changed by a priest who showed him kindness.  The priest feeds and gives Jean Valjean a place to stay for the night.  Valjean takes most of the priests silver and runs off in the night. When the police capture and return him, the priest tells the police that the silver was given as a gift and chastises Valjean for not taking the silver candlesticks as well.  After the police leave, the priest tells Valjean to use the silver to become and honest man. Instead of seeing himself as the world did, a dishonest fugitive, he now cries out "I'm Jean Valjean!" This declaration is prompted from the compassion and mercy of the priest and helps Valjean re - create a new life and identity. 

How do we re-create our lives? How do we deal with our past that is continually creating our present unless we mark it with intention and turn the ship in a new direction? How do we take patterns or concepts of ourselves that have not served us well, and make them the catalyst for progress? If we can't answer this question, it is easy to be stuck. Not moving. And we don't like that. One of my children pointed out that I needed to sort myself out. In my attempts to do that and in the philosophical and psychological traditional that continuing progress is possible, I recommend the following ideas for conquering, reframing and moving forward. Note here this is my list from me to me. If you find something valuable here, that is a bonus for us both. 

1. Identify the defining moments, critical choices and pivotal people in your life. (This idea is from "Self Matters," by Phillip C. McGraw, PhD.)  

Write these out and look carefully at your self concept that came out of these three areas. Rewrite any scripts to fit the new you. Negative experiences can be reframed to identify new values we want to live now, and personal power to act in new ways because of the understanding that experience, choice or person provided. 

I am so inspired by stories of people who have experienced difficult things and then draw out compassion and direction from their difficulties. The converse is also true. People, choices and moments that gave us positive identity and strength can be lasting personal signposts.

My Dad tells the story of a elementary school experience when all the children piled the desks and chairs against the door. When the teacher came in and asked who did it, one girl stepped forward and said "I did."  The teacher then said there was one honest girl in the room. On that day, my Dad decided he would be honest. He wanted to be known like Iris Thomas for being honest. 

2. Make a bucket list.

Oh the possibilities! The places you'll go! Setting an intention causes the universe to start aligning with you. 

3. Do something new - something out of your comfort zone. 

Yes. So I jumped out of a plane. I really did the skydiving thing a few months ago with some dear friends. I went for courage. I went for a redefinition of self. I came out of it with some instructions on redefining myself. If you want to add new things - you have to let go. But that is a post for another day.

4. Do something you have put off. 

One sad and bad pattern I am facing is organization and cleaning. I had a prior vision of myself as too busy and overworked and overwhelmed to live those laws. Now I face a personality of pulling stuff out, but not being able to put it back together. Simple tasks like cleaning the linen closet and the paper and card drawer and celebrating my finished successes are healing and renewing. 

5. Ask trusted people around you to tell you what they can see about you that you cannot. 

Yes. This takes a bit of reckless courage. When two family members told me, I was stunned. It was clear that I couldn't see it, because at first it didn't make sense.  From this came two paradigm shifts on how I view my life. This is a reckless act of courage I highly recommend. What I learned is a post for another day.  

6. Take time to be still. 

Still figuring this one out. So easy for some. There are truths and understandings that cannot come in the busyness of life.  My spots are the porch. Early morning. Mountains. 

So back to John Val Jean.  His life was being true to the vision of who he really was. It was continually realigning his choices with his new identity and the promises he made. It was launched by kindness.  What kindness can we do for others to help them launch into healthier paths? And what values can we fix our vision to as we re - create the truest version of ourselves? Those questions are at the core of our identity and the new story we create. 

"Another story must begin."

-Jean Valjean

Searching for the Soul of the Home

What makes home a wonderful place? That has to be one of the most challenging and epic of quests!

Is it acceptance, listening, kindness, and good conversations? Is it my Mom's onion bread or my Dad's popcorn? Is it my sons' stuffed mushrooms, juicing experiments or my daughter's homemade pizza? Or is it the stories? Of our ancestors? Shared joy? And the shared pain? Is it the stories of what we are working through? And the faith that we will succeed?

I believe the warmth and wonderful aura of any home is in the heart and souls of the people in it. It is the family members that bring the magic. To guard the home must mean then to guard our souls. And that is a daily challenge. I'm finding the path to making home wonderful as I welcome the next generation is still not easy. It is the work of my own soul that is required. I cry out again and again - How can this be done? I turn to my daughters and share three pieces of wisdom relevant to my journey.

In her poetry Instagram account my daughter spoke of something bigger than just the food or clothing - of a focus more than decorations or furniture. She wrote, "Cinderella left her shoes behind. She had bigger fish to fry."  https://www.instagram.com/sapientiapoetry/

Another daughter wrote of the importance of temperament in an article "No More Grumpy Please," in which she shared the story of seeing a very young child at the museum crying and heard him say, " "I'm grumpy and mean...and I don't wanna be grumpy and mean!"  https://andthentheyflew.blogspot.com/2015/01/no-more-grumpy-please.html  And that describes so clearly the journey we face in our quest for a home of joy and meaning, the need to say to ourselves, "no more grumpy please."

Most succinctly, another daughter posted on my frig. "Love is a Battle Cry." And she named it. In our quest for the home that wraps its arms around us and comforts us, we come face to face with weaknesses within ourselves and challenges all around. It is no small thing to battle daily to both give and receive love, to forgive and to apologize, to live in grace and mercy with God.

How do you guard the state of your soul so that the cherished people in your home can draw strength and look to the cherished bonds of family as the greatest treasure of mortality? I don't have all the answers, but I'm seeking daily to engage in the battle, remind myself - "no more grumpy," and know that weighing in the balance are things much weightier than shoes.

If this could be said of my home, I would feel like home is a wonderful place and the souls of the people inside were creating it.

I like the way you talk to me 

Even more, the way you listen

You’re holding a lantern for me 

In the woods on a dark night

Allowing your light to define itself  

And separate me from the shadows.

-Anna Rose Fisher

What Do You See?

There is a game where you show the closeup picture of something  and then try to guess what it is. For instance the picture on the left is a closeup of a small portion of the picture below and to the right. When seeing just a small portion, we miss the larger perspective and sometimes mistake it for something else.  My college physics class 30+ years ago showed a short film in which the camera started with a man's hand and then moved out at 10 meters per second (if I remember right) to the park, city, nation, world, then universe. It then went into the micro world of the man's hand. The rapidly changing  perspectives were stunning. 

There are many perspective today in our world about everything, but particularly roles of family, government and who bears responsibility for change. This is the time to share what we see and listen to others so we don't miss pieces and perspectives of each other. I believe it is is important that people can share their view without having to agree with civility and respect. So here I take the opportunity of sharing a sampling of my viewpoints, a musing of perspectives.  As I listen to the cultural and global conversations, my heart and mind are sorting about responsibility and receiving.  Sometimes I hear something different than what I have known, and it tugs at my heart and I change. Sometimes as I hear differences, I feel I see more clearly than ever. Only by sharing will we learn each others heart and grow in understanding.

Musing number one: I suppose in that crushed flower my child gave me, some see one less flower in the garden. I see the tender heart of a child making an offering, a gift in combination with the God of nature. With the beauties around, the child who had nothing now has something to give, reminiscent of life, and beauty, these titles are bestowed now on the recipient.

Musing two on government: I suppose that in the United States Constitution, some see an agrarian document outmoded and outdated. I see an incredible treatise on the heart and nature of man, created by those who had studied human nature for millennia and debated together to create restraints on unbridled dominion, checks on power, and a hundred restraints. The foundational underpinnings of government by the people, with freedoms given by the Creator, have led to a unique position of generosity and influence. The document allowed critical changes for equality that marred its earliest genius. The document prevailed as the culture made course corrections within its framework, a framework designed to operate from the people -people who bear responsibility for their liberties and lives. 

Musing three on the family: I hear voices say that in the human family, they see only burden, and oppression. While oppressions do exist, the majority of  families, the most basic global and universal unit, are tied together with bonds of deep love and sacrifice with a fierceness to protect and care for each other. I see in the hardest of struggles, mothers and fathers live with the deepest expressions of character, and the joyful privilege of responsibilities. Families have the potential to provide the most meaningful motivations of life itself, as well as the compassion to reach across neighborhoods and nations finding ways to support each other. 

In the cultural divide some see threats, insecurity, and doubt. I believe we can come out of this stronger and better. Wherever the human heart genuinely seeks to create a better place to live, I think there is space to share and learn from each other. Is it possible that at the crux of these three examples is a deep sense of how we freely give and bear responsibility?  I believe some answers lie in the simplicity of child like heart who freely gives.  I believe in governing structures that support liberty, autonomy and the voice of the people. And I believe there are answers deep in every individual and family, that will bring healing. I believe these answers will come with compassion, not blame, with personal responsibility, not shame. Most of all, I believe we need to share what we see, freely and openly, with respect and an eye to understanding as we individually take actions to create a more equitable, liberty loving, supportive and compassionate world.