"I Get to Choose!"

 I Want What I Want…

“I want to be my own kid!” my daughter said.  Hmmm……

“What does that mean?” I asked. 

She replied, “I get to choose what I want to do!”   We worked out a plan and several days later she commented, “Being your own kid, is harder than I thought!”

I Will Listen to What You Want...

It was a pickle bottling day.   One child wanted sliced pickles and another wanted speared pickles.  After the initial, “I want my pickles sliced.”  “I want my pickles speared.”  Their conversation moved to, “Why do you want them that way?” and then “What if we did some pickles speared and some sliced?” 

Hooray! A family breakthrough! Listening and respect was at the core of the discussion.   So simple.  So beautiful. Perhaps you need to have witnessed more than a few conversations gone awry with raw selfishness, punctuated with the attitude, “I want what I want,” to catch the beauty of this moment.

I Will Do Whatever You Ask…

There are heroic moments in every family.  Many times in a struggling moment, one son will come up to me and with a voice that carries all the joy of a hero in rescue mode and says “What can I do to help you, Mom?  I’ll do whatever you need.”  Oh the joy of hearing a child so willing to help and heal!

How does this apply to my relationship to God?  Do I say, “I want what I want?

Do I say,  “I will listen to what you want.”?  Or can I say, “I will do whatever you ask.”?

The Savior, the perfect example of this said: “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.”  (John 6:38)  And President Benson said: “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”

Oh the challenge of getting our hearts right! Each day offers opportunities to answer his commandments.  When I see the blessing of having a child with a willing heart, perhaps I catch the smallest glimpse into the heart of God.  The one offering he accepts, but never demands, is the offering of our heart manifest in choosing “I will do whatever you ask.”   I'm grateful for God's tutoring love and patience in the move from "being my own kid," to trusting in Him and being able to say, "Thy will be done."

Opening Closed Doors

Last month I pondered the closing of childhood doors and opening adulthood doors. Today I’m thinking about emotional doors. What do you do when walls go up?  When doors are closed? When relationships are strained?  Three experiences or “windows” into” family life have led me to these Three Doors: 1. The Listening Door.   2. The I’m Sorry Door.   3.  The Thank You Door.

Let’s look behind Door Number One.  It was about 10:00 p.m. and I could feel another no win battle beginning.  Of course I was busy explaining all the reasons why the answer was “no”.  Whine.  Cry.  Counter accusation.  “You never…..”  What more was there to say?  I felt so done! So I didn’t say anything and I think she thought I was listening. So the tone changed.  She reached out to me and I held her.  We climbed on a big rock outside and she talked and now I really did listen and acknowledge her feelings.  Instant and Big Change.  Hearts were being softened in BOTH of us, love came in that door and I remembered  (I knew it but I forgot it,) that listening opens doors.

This experience was behind Door Number Two. As we gathered for a big event, several of the children ignored direction, and came to  cross purposes with what we wanted to have happen, trying to be funny.  Big problem! Offended party exited with a big exit.  At this point several children realize they are not as funny as they thought they were.  I challenged the offending party to go visit the offended and say “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”  They looked at me somewhat incredulously.  I said, “You’ve offended and you need to go make it right.”   So they did.  They apologized.  This took well over an hour, but hearts were being softened in BOTH parties, love came in that door and I remembered saying “I’m sorry” opens doors.

Now behind Door Number Three.   It was evening and I was reminding one child of the responsibilities that they didn’t do.  One could feel the child’s spirit withdraw and I again saw that clouded look in his eyes.  It came to me very clearly that this scenario was repeatedly happening.  And the relationship was going, going, gone. It came to even more clearly that he was an absolutely amazing child with great talent, capacity and desires to do right and I was continually overlooking that fact.  Whoa!  Stop!  Back up!  Retreat!  Regroup!  Retrench!  “Thank you for helping with the dishes, thank you for your efforts in the garden, thank you for helping your brother with his room, thank you for staying calm, and thank you for being a happy, smiling member of this family."   BOTH of our hearts were softened, love came in that door and I remembered that saying thank you, showing appreciation, and looking for the good, opens doors.

These doors can only turn on hinges of agency and be opened with gloves of humility.  Pride and force destroy these doors.  The prophet Moroni said: 

…and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ.  (Moroni 7:19)

Listening, repenting, forgiving and showing appreciation certainly come under laying “hold upon every good thing.”  Perhaps when everything seems lost, we can with all our might “lay hold on every good thing” and watch holiness and miracles unfold.

Throw The Door Open!

We opened a BIG door on a Wednesday this month.  My fourth child stepped out of the car, gathered his bags, gave last hugs to all and walked into the open door of the Mission Training Center in Provo.  That also means a door closed.  My little boy will never be little again.  And that is exactly the way it is supposed to be.  I remind myself.  Again.  No!  I will not pull back, I’m going to throw open that door wide!  Fly!  Learn!  Serve!  Grow!  Become!

There have been many doors to open these last 24 years. Open doors to the birth of children. Open doors to kindergarten.  (One child took several months to negotiate that door) Open doors to reading and education and schooling. Open doors to dating. Open doors to driving the car. (Today we prayerfully, carefully drove through busy traffic on the freeway with a new driver.)  Open doors to universities.  Open doors to missions, and eventually open doors to marriage.

But to open doors in front of you means closing doors behind you.  Doors begin closing to babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood and youth.  Those precious moments of innocence that belong to young spirits are so joyous to me.  And yet, new joy comes with each season.  I see my little boy going, but not so long in the distance, maybe my front door will open and coming in will be little boys led by their dad, now a man.

And so, one by one, they are flying, on their own.  I’ve seen their growth!  I’ve seen their becoming!  My daughter sent me these words shortly after she arrived in the Argentine Mission Home:

“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” (Guillaume Apollinaire) Isn't that just beautiful?  I feel like that is what the Lord is doing for me...he is taking me to the edge, just like you said Mom, in Indiana Jones, where they step off the cliff and then the bridge appears.

Years ago one child said to a big brother as they left for school, “When you come home, we could play together and be friends!”  My thoughts to my children are, “When you come back home and you have wisdom, compassion and capacity, and a host of talents and virtues and maybe don't need me so much anymore, can we still be friends?  I’ve experienced that.  It is amazing how much richer our relationships are and how great our joint capacity is.  Now we can build so much more than a sandcastle! They are my best friends!  
  
Perhaps one of the things I loved most about the young season was the feeling that we are all family – together - and safe at home.   I believe one of the most joyous feelings that can ever be had must be to come back to that Eternal Home.  Safe at that Home at last.   When Joseph was two years old he said, “Mommy, I’m proud of you.  I’m proud of you when you come home.”

I will not shrink!  Yes!  I’ll fling open that door wide!  Wider and still wider.  Embrace its possibilities and rejoice in the opportunities!  Coming.  Going.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  Fly!  Grow!  Become!

And the hope is that Someone in an Eternal Heavenly Home will say.  “I’m proud of all of you.  I’m proud of you when you come home.”

Let's Applaud Now!

My daughter recently graduated from a local university.  She was awarded a diploma and a title.  In one of the commencement addresses, they referred to graduation as a metamorphosis - the changing of a caterpillar to a butterfly.  They have learned something and become something and they aren't the same as when they started their higher educational journey.   My daughter learned to study hard and make difficult decisions and become financially independent.  It truly was a time of growing and achievement.  I am so pleased with who she is becoming.

Hmmmm.....  I've been working over four years on the parenting "degree"  more time than a bachelors, masters, or doctorate.  Have I "learned" a diploma?  Have I learned anything?  Or have I muffed it all?  I think the courses were more in humility, perseverance and joy.  There were courses of nutrition, child development, transportation engineering, (I made that up) and psychology.  There were courses on art, creativity, music and literature.  There are many courses I am still taking and hope to pass one fine day. 
 
They said a phrase at graduation that I've been repeating in my mind:  "Let's applaud now."  I like that.  Whatever our foibles and mistakes we certainly have learned something!   For every time we became more patient, and more loving, let's applaud now.  For every moment we spent reading and teaching skills, let's applaud now.  For every time we held a crying child and prayed for a son or daughter, let's applaud now.  The journey required more prayer, more patience,  more thought, more study, more pleading, more tears, more joy than any degree I think could ever provide.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I learned that God loves his children.  God loves each and every one.  And he is willing to tutor us so we can love and tutor them.  It is a priceless educational journey for which I am profoundly grateful.

Since I'm creating this educational scenario, I think I'd like the title  WL after my name.  Simply for Willing to Learn.  I don't think I qualify for a bachelors, or masters or doctorate of anything, but I am WL:  Willing to Learn     Willing to learn each and every day.  Willing to learn from mistakes.  Willing to feel joy and love and be grateful.  So for every parent out there who is willing,  "Lets Applaud Now!" 

My Mom and the Onion Bread

The Rootstech Conference was last weekend and I attended.  One of the keynote speakers showed a video clip of family members making their grandma's banana cookies.   It was very simple, yet moving.  Why?  What is it about a loving grandma making cookies for her grandchildren?

A few days later I went to my moms to video her making bread. I remember her onion bread in round loaves on the counter many years ago and I wanted to preserve that memory.  She would make three round onion loaves with sesame seeds on top and when we saw them we knew someone was in need.  A loaf would go to the neighbor and two loaves for the family.  We knew mom loved and cared for others and she loved us.  So, ready to preserve this memory, and armed with my camera I started pulling out the ingredients.  Mom was adorable.  Really.  She had on a fresh apron, her hair was done beautifully and she glowed with love. Mom cooked the onion in butter and added water and yeast.  Then she measured the salt and the flour.  She talked of how her mother baked bread, and of the wonderful meals she cooked, and the clothing her mom sewed that made that made my mom feel loved.  She shared memories of her grandmother who taught home economics at the high school and sewed beautiful clothing for the governor's wife. Her grandmother earned the living for the family because her husband was away. I felt these values of previous generations:  Nurture. Faith. Hard work. Sacrifice. Thriftiness. Determination. That is what I wanted to capture in my record. I wanted to record the love, identity and values coming through the generations.  To me.  To my daughters. 

We looked at the dough.  "Did I forget to put in the sugar?" she said.  She forgot the sugar.  So.  She put it in.  After the dough was already kneaded. And the dough became very sticky.  So mom added more flour.  It was still very sticky.  So she added more flour. And more flour.  We laughed and laughed as she left the dough to rise.  We forgot the dough and let it rise twice as long before mom formed the round loaves.  After forming the loaves we forgot to put them in the oven and the loaves rose too high over the edge of the pans.  We laughed again and Mom just tucked the dough in and made it look the right size again and the loaves went into the oven.  Not a problem.  The bread looked great and it tasted even better!  That day was a great memory and I'm glad I recorded it.  I love this quote: 

"If you do not write your story, your name will be obliterated from the human record and you will not speak from the grave.  You will not have any influence on those who come after you.  Those who write about the things they have done and learned in life have a huge impact on posterity.  Write your story. You have overcome things your children need to know about."  Ronald O. Barney 

My children need to know about these nurturing and wonderful women.  I want them to feel the holiness and joy in everyday activities like bread making.  And I want to pass on the tradition of caring for others with her onion bread recipe. 

Onion Bread Recipe:

Saute:  

   1 medium onion and 1 square butter.  

Mix in the bowl:  

   Onion butter and 2 1/2 cups cold water or milk.  

When lukewarm add:  

   2 Tbl yeast 

   1/3 cup sugar

   2 tsp salt

Wait 5 minutes then add:  

   6 to 6 1/2 cups flour

Knead for five minutes then let rise for an hour or so.  Form into three loaves in round pans.  Let rise until double 30-45 minutes.  Glaze with milk and put sesame seeds on top.  Bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes.  Let cool.

One Hundred Kind Words

Ten pink balloons floated lazily above our heads.  Written on them were nearly 100 positive, encouraging words.  The conversation below was both delightful and insightful.  Ten of us had just finished our annual "Pinkalicious Party" near Valentines with its annual tradition of writing the qualities we admire about each other on each named balloon.  Then we read them aloud.  And we felt good. It was a good place to be.  The power of positive words.  The power of looking for the good. You could feel it.

Cars, planes, bicycles and feet can take us where you want to go with varying degrees of speed.  But words.... words.... words can take you even faster to places you do or don't want to go.

"She's not helping with the dishes."
"He's bugging me."
"Stop that!"
"I want it closed!"
"Won't you ever clean this up?"

Hmmmm..............  Did you feel it? It doesn't take long to be in a dark place that gets darker by the minute.  A few words and you have traveled to an unhappy place. Repeated over and over, these words create miles of sad feelings, walls and distance that can easily grow larger over the weeks, months and years. Relationships can be lost in the negative distance traveled over the same ruts in the road for too long.  

True, loyal, unquenchable, techy awesome, disciplined, perserveranceful (we reserve the right always to make up words that should exist), determined, pure heart, brilliant and splendiferous.  Feel that floating on balloons over your head. 
 
Can moments, days and weeks of kind words, positive labels and looking for the good place us on a road of where we want to be?   I don't believe all problems will be solved with positive words; but I do know that chasms of bitterness and difficulty arise if our words are habitually negative.  I know that at times difficult things must be said. Even then, especially then, when done with love, words have power.  Words have power to change thoughts and hearts and minds and lives. Words can move mountains of difficulty or make mountains of difficulty.

I love these words from President Monson:

"Like the leprosy of yesteryear are the plagues of today. They linger; they debilitate; they destroy. They are to be found everywhere. Their pervasiveness knows no boundaries. We know them as selfishness, greed, indulgence, cruelty, and crime, to identify but a few. Surfeited with their poison, we tend to criticize, to complain, to blame, and, slowly but surely, to abandon the positives and adopt the negatives of life.

"A popular refrain from the 1940s captured the thought: 

Accentuate the positive;
Eliminate the negative.
Latch on to the affirmative;
Don’t mess with Mr. In-between. 
Good advice then. Good advice now."

The psalmist said in Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

I want to be somewhere wonderful....
I'll start with choosing kind words.

Gratitude - The Magic Mirror

I loved fairy tales as a child.  On of my favorites was The Snow Queen.  

In the story, a troll makes an evil mirror that distorts the reflection of things.  The true and the beautiful fail to appear but the ugly and bad are all one can see. The mirror is broken and pieces of it fall to earth and lodge in the eyes and hearts of people.  Kai and Gerda are two childhood friends.  Kai gets a piece of this treacherous mirror in his eye and heart.  No longer is he kind and good, but sees only the bad and the ugly.  He taken captive by the Snow Queen and Gerda seeks to find him and free him from this enchantment.  Many adventures ensue and at last Gerda saves him with her purity and love; her tears, melting his heart and burning the mirror splinter away.

So how do we melt the distorted mirrors of discouragement, sadness, entitlement, and pride?  How do we prevent the distortions from becoming our reality?

Gratitude.  It is Magic.  It changes the way we see things.    

Let me share what happened last week when two year old Clara visited us for the day.  This is what I observed:

     
    When handed the art paint: “Thank you.”
    When helped with her coat:  “Thank you.” 
    When handed the bear:  “Thank you."
    When given bread and apples: “Thank you.” 
    When handed the doll: “Thank you.”
    When given a cookie: “Thank you.”

I thought a lot about this.  All day long Clara was grateful for everything.  Her mom was not there to prompt her, but she had taught her well.  Clara lives and talks with gratitude.   

What if I said “thank you” all day and chose to live with gratitude just like she did?   What would be different?  In that gratitude mirror I would see reflected:

    What I do have.
    How much we need each other.
    How great it is to help each other.
    The good.
    The beautiful.  
    The blessings.

Can this change the distortions in the mirror of entitlement, pride, discouragement, and sadness?  Yes.  Our perception of reality and our capacity to see the beautiful can change in the mirror.  Reality is truly grounded in how we perceive the world around us.

President Monson said:  "My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable; to enact gratitude is generous and noble; but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."   

Thank you Clara for touching heaven, and allowing us a peek into heaven too.