You Are Not Alone

Some time ago, I asked a dear friend a parenting question.  As helpful as answers would have been, It was also helpful to her her say, "You know, I never did very well with that."  And a different kind of helpful reached my soul. It was the feeling: "you are not alone."  The companion thought being, "I struggle with that too."

With profound gratitude, I thank those who have traveled the parenting path and provided, support, encouragement, principles and answers for me.  We all need help and reassurance as we travel the family journey.  In a different way,  I feel deeply connected to those who offered the support and love and reassurance by simply having lived through similar experiences and helping me feel, "you are not alone."

Perhaps you too have lost a loved family member. Maybe as an adult, in their childhood, or before being born. Learning of the ache others have felt and their comfort eased my pain. You are not alone.

Perhaps you have lost a family member to different values and paths that cause a deep anguish in your soul. You are not alone.

Perhaps your family has struggles with unresolvable health issues, addictions,  debilitating patterns and habits. There is help available and you are not alone.

Perhaps you have questions, uncertainties or financial problems. Whatever your challenge, someone has faced something similar and can offer solace, counsel, and friendship.

I have not experiences all of these, but I know those who have. And I have received strength from others who have reminded me, "you are not alone."

There are wonderful mothers and fathers and children out there living every day the best they know how. We have so much to offer each other. Let your voice be heard. Ask questions, share your successes, give comfort. I created a new website at family-to-family.com to do just that. It is set up so families can share with each other on the Family to Family Facebook page. You are needed. Families helping families. Families cheering other families. Family to family. You are not alone.

We are all connected, and kindness is that voice that softly says, 

"I see you.  I honor you.  You are not alone."  

-Kelly Rae Roberts

He Watches Over Me

My Dad helps me plant corn every year.  He is 89 and knows planting is an art, wants to train my children, and loves me. His garden vision is the agricultural version of Michelangelo who said: “In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me..." He sees the journey from the seed in his hand to the final corn served on the table in August with butter and salt and pepper. He wants me to know how to do that too.  

My Dad taught me the value of working hard, the importance of taking care of what you have, and the prize of independence. He taught me to grow vegetables, mow a lawn and drive a tractor.  He worked by my side to can tomatoes and applesauce. He works by the side of my children as he mentors the next generation. My favorite phrase of his is "Let's go!" He takes charge of his life, never makes excuses and tries hard to follow through. 

He tells the story of his father, Cyril, who was hired to haul dirt with a team of horses on a work project in Emigration Canyon during the depression when cash was scarce. The men were complaining that he was delivering the dirt faster than they could shovel, and didn't want to work that hard.  The foreman said, "Unless you slow down and the men stop complaining, we don't need your help any more." Cyril left the job, came home and told his wife, "Unless I can put in an honest day's work, I will not work." She didn't feel the same way and worried about being able to put food on the table. Two days later,  the same foreman stood at their front door and asked if he could come into their home. He said to Cyril and his wife that they had tried to get other teams of horses and other men and scrapers to pull the dirt down from the top of the hill onto the pipe and culvert, but none could do the job.  He stated, 

"Would you consider my apology for our position and your determination to do the right thing and will you come back and do the work?  The men have all agreed they will not complain about your efforts." 

This left a great impression on my Dad about the value of integrity and hard work. Sharing values, teaching, protecting. That's what fathers do. God sends fathers to do His work of watching over his children. It is a divine pattern. I watch over my corn as I water, weed, and fertilize and feel my Dad's watchful care and influence.  And as my corn grows, I feel Heaven's watchful care as well as God endorses and blesses my fathers teachings.

Harmony

Harmony -that blessed state of different notes that are in agreement or pleasing.  This was the name of a recent high school multi-choir spring performance. Of course they sang in beautiful harmony, but the evening held something of far greater value.  The three part program was created around the following three themes:  We are More the Same than Different, The Price of Discord and Reaching toward Harmonious Unity; themes that echo the current culture wars of our nation.  Embedded in the words, the program structure and the beautiful energy and vibrance of teenagers was the message, we can find unity-our unity is more important than our differences.

If we want the national tide to turn to harmony, we must acknowledge, believe and value diversity as well as recognize our common humanity. Then our homes can be safe places to express ourselves, learn, and grow.

With a large family, there are no shortages of differences of opinion. We all know really well, how to share an opposing view. Often, however, my children, lead out in the vital skill of resolving conflict by respectful listening.  One son has repeatedly said as differences come up, "When can we talk about his mom?"  And as we talk, he will repeat, "So this is what I hear you saying..." and "That is interesting. I'll think about that."  He models open communication, validation even though he may disagree. He sticks to listening and really hearing far better than I do. We are learning to hold the tenuous value that we can have different opinions and get along. And the even better magical place where both our opinions morph as we seek for understanding.  How valuable are young people, children and adults everywhere who understand the principle of listening, really listening to understand. Those who work hard to stay in meaningful and respectful dialogue, rather than shout phrases, and accusations that inhibit progress.  Our home, communities, nations and world will be so much better as we kindly demonstrate these capacities.  How stunning when a disagreement or difference of opinion does not end in discord but rather a gathering point for understanding.

William James, the great Harvard psychologist said, "Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."

That is what I saw in the high school choir. An effort to deepen understanding and not damage it. And they knew it!  The youth that sang these songs knew that they had a meaningful message for their audience.  Thank you to wonderful youth who sang that night and thousands like you who work for a more peaceful world. Bless you for inspiring your audience to focus on similarities, respect and value differences, and seek for harmonious understanding.

Certain Women

At the portal of mortality stands a mother. To enter life you pass through her. As Mothers Day approaches I offer some thoughts about "certain women" - a phrase in the new testament and referred to by Linda K. Burton.  "Certain women" that I see as steadfast, convinced, and assured.

First, I admire certain women who value giving life and sustaining life. As sacrifice seems to be out of vogue, I particularly want to add my admiration to the women of this world who embrace motherhood. They see this opportunity as a calling not a curse, a blessing, not a burden.  Recently I met a mother from Jamaica, whose eyes lit up as she told me about her sons,  and a daughter from Nigeria who glowingly spoke of the sacrifices her mother made so that her family could be educated. I see this quality across the cultures and the nations, and it inspires me and gives me strength.

Secondly, I am grateful for those certain women who honor their influence. A woman's  role is somewhat veiled as well as her power. Historically she wasn't in the first line for property, prestige or popularity. Often women's influence is unacknowledged and unnoticed but is in and throughout every good thing on this earth. While her name may not be as the author of the book, the painter of the masterpiece or the victor of the race, her thoughts, teachings, and influence are in and throughout every successful thing. I suggest at least in part her power is in her moral influence, desire to create bonding, perpetuate goodness, invite posterity, and influence on the youngest on earth who are most impressionable and teachable. Historically her example, love and influence are generally the first and most lasting. Is it possible that the greatest literature, painting, poetry, music, plans, and more had earliest beginnings at mother's knee? Is any great accomplishment independent of a woman's influence?  

Certain women have great influence: like Joan of Arc, they are true to who they are.  Like Mother Teresa, they seek to lift those around them. Like Sojourner Truth, they speak out for truth. Like my neighbor, they act on inspiration and lead those around them. Like my mother, they love being a mother. Like my daughters, they make everything around them more beautiful. Influence today can be a thousand times more powerful than in the past due to increased opportunity, awareness and social media, giving me examples of thousands of women who give me strength by the lives of integrity they live.

Thirdly, I admire those "certain women" who understand it is collaboration to seek, not competition with men. Recently I attended a world discussion of how to address refugee problems and third world inequality challenges. After nearly an hour of one sided discussion focusing on women, a participant wisely asked, "What are doing to involve men in solving the problem?"  In our conversation after, she stated, "Well, we aren't going to solve this without them!" 

Certain women that I admire and seek to emulate are everywhere, in my home, neighborhood, city, nation and world. These certain women have courage, love, vision and are true to who they are. And so many valiantly stand at the gate of mortality, with the clarity of Eve, they understand the future is only possible because of their life giving choices.

Voices

I've heard a lot of voices this month.  I recently returned from visiting the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women 61. I heard:

Voices that demand funding. Voices that tell of healing efforts for victims of sex trafficking. Voices that demand equal rights. Voices that shout programs. Voices that demand gender equality.   Voices that request help for refugees.  Voices that speak of ridding women of the burden of motherhood. Voices that speak of the critical role of motherhood.  Voices that speak of the oppression by men.  Voices that speak of the empowerment fathers can give.

Underlying some voices is the stark reality of unmet needs, pain, and suffering.  Hidden in some voices is the siren song of selfishness and hidden agendas.  Intrinsic in some voices were hearts that are helping bring relief and rescue to a suffering world.

I weep that 2 million children are subjected to prostitution in the global commercial sex trade. (UNICEF)  (http://arkofhopeforchildren.org/child-trafficking/child-trafficking-statistics), that nearly 1 in 100 people worldwide are now displaced from their homes, and and estimated 12.5 million Syrians are displaced. (http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/10/05/key-facts-about-the-worlds-refugees/) and that abortions are forced on Colombian guerilla women in the military.   Surely there is no end to the injustice, suffering and pain everywhere and anywhere on this planet.

I appreciated the voices of thoughtful questions and meaningful discussions.  After demands for funding and declarations of oppression in reference to refugee camps, an attendee asked; "What is being done to involve the men in the solution?"  After the session, she shared with me, "Did we think we are going to solve this without them?" When I shared these comments with a beautiful Nigerian woman, she responded with: "And that is the point!" This beautiful Nigerian woman also shared with me her family's challenge to overcome poverty and education.  She praised her mother and father in the struggle saying, "It was really difficult, but we emerged victorious!"

What voices do I listen to?  What is my voice declaring? Everyone person on this earth is of infinite value. The compassion of both women and men, and the gifts of healing that each bring to the table in different ways are part of moving towards answers.  People everywhere who give of their time and talent to create places of healing, health and wholeness subtract pain and loneliness from the world sum of suffering. There are wonderful people everywhere who want to help and be a part of the solution. I believe it is individuals, local communities, private and religious charitable groups that seem to be making the most meaningful progress internationally.  Government solutions tend to be convoluted and agenda laden. I believe in the traditional family as the healthiest growing place on every measurable indicator for children. I add my voice to the many, loving, nurturing women on every continent who see their role as mother as critical to the moral and economic survival of their families, communities, cities and nations. It is a choice. It is my choice. And adding to the wisdom of my new Nigerian friend; though the tragic difficulties on every side seem insurmountable, the pain and suffering mountainous, we will build on what's working, work together for each other's well being and we shall emerge victorious!

Simple Joys and Priorities

For a long time I thought if I were just smart enough or fast enough, I could get it all done.  I would plow through tasks thinking "I'll get there!"  But I never did.  The to-do list always piled higher than the time allotted. While there is much to be said for getting in and getting a job done, there is more to be said for setting priorities and getting the right jobs done.

Today it was satisfying to bake bread with my daughter.  I made onion bread and she made pretzels.  It took us a few hours and we read the last few verses in Matthew chapter six in between letting the bread rise and the yeast ferment. As we mixed our flour, kneaded and shaped the dough we listened to Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and Ben Shapiro from the Harvard Law School. (They don't speak together, it was just the two speakers we chose today.) She rolled out the pretzel shapes and I shaped the round loaves of onion bread, sprinkling sesame seeds on top. Baking bread together had been on my list for some time, but never urgent and reaching priority until today. It was a perfect way to practice bread making skills, share the bread with others, and participate together in a nurturing creative activity that fed our souls and other souls as well. While it was snowy outside, we felt warm and sunny inside. It was one of those mornings you want to remember for a long time. There were things that didn't get done today, but I had the wonderful satisfaction of aligning an activity with a top priority. 

Clayton Christensen said in reference to priorities, "...ultimately, [it] means nothing if you do not align those with where you actually expend your time, money and energy." 

I'm finding when time and resources are aligned with top priorities, the other stuff fades away or heaven takes care of the details.  I saw this happen this week as a weighty responsibility that may have taken several hours was taken off my plate as a friend volunteered her talent.  I also had a valuable time saving idea came to me early in the morning. 

It means I have to let go.  Be vigilant with top priorities. And place my time and resources toward those priorities. And that top priority is family. The scripture we read in Matthew six?  "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."  My heart was full today.

Creating a Signature

Everyone has their own signature.  We start early when we sign our name and proudly announce our identity!

                            

 

A signature announces who we are. It the acknowledged way to "seal" or "bind" documents and legal transactions. In the public square it is recognized as unique to a person's identity.

I love to think of the delightful, sometimes quirky things those around me do that bear their "signature," or identity that is so unique to their character. These marked behaviors or habits endear these people to me. For instance when I hear the signature whistle of a church hymn, I know my Dad is near. If I look the least bit sad, I can count on a signature hug from my daughter. I also love her signature phrases, "You can do it!" and "Do a power pose!"  When I hear a "signature" caring tone of voice saying "How are you?" I know it is my brother. Other "signatures" I love include hearing my husband sing, a neighbor that always, I mean always, says something kind, and another neighbor that I can count on to smile and say my name. 

Having teenagers most often is pure delight. Except for when occasionally it is not. Recently I took  a brutal step into reality due to their honest appraisal of some of my  faults, which leads me to the realization that some of my signature habits I don't want. 

Hence, my new signature goals for 2017.  I'm working towards signature traits that cause others to say, "She always...." and then what is inserted here is some wonderful trait that would be my identity. I'm loving the possibilities here. Here is a partial list, which I admit has the obvious implication that presently I am exhibiting its opposite. (That is why we set goals.)

      "She has such a way of listening.  You know you are heard and loved." 

      "When she walks in the room, you just know she will smile at you and

           give a compliment." 

      "You can count on her to do what she says she will do." 

     "She has such a calm way about her."

We can imagine and then create a personal life signature with daily effort to make it happen.  And that is an exciting thing!