Every Day Matters

There are "everyday days", where nothing earthshaking or monumental seems to be happening that seem to contrast to what I call "formal days", where final events and changes take place. This month I sent my son to Mexico for training, then on to Chile to teach people about the healing that comes from Jesus Christ.  On this formal day, the suitcases were closed and put in the car, final pictures taken, tender hugs exchanged and goodbyes said. He walked through security and my eyes followed him until I couldn't see him any more no matter how hard I squinted my tear filled eyes and strained my neck. Where did the time go? Where is my little boy? And who is this strong man facing forward to new adventures? What led up to this formal day that marks the end of a season and the beginning of another? I realized that the seemingly long time that led up to the parting is made of "everyday days" and "everyday moments."

Sigh. Joy. Gratitude. Happiness. Sadness. Admiration. Longing. Goodness. Memories. Adoration. Pain. Growth. Love. On and on, the flood of feelings is relentless.  Before my mind are memories of beautiful moments and great gratitude that I could be a part of this wonderful person's life who now goes out to bless others in this world. The stark realization came a few weeks ago that each moment of "everyday days" has so much power and potential for warmth, joy and good memories. And that is the point.  There really are no "everyday days," if that means ordinary. I took advantage of small moments in the previous weeks, to give an extra hug, listen and share my encouragement and faith in him. Every day matters in the daily summation of experiences. Every day has the potential to lift and bring light. Every day can provide opportunities for simple memories. Every day matters.

A sweet friend of mine shared an idea from a friend of hers who wrote nightly in her journal: "I'm glad I did..."  and "I wish I had..." Then the next day she got up and did what she wished she had done. Oh how I love that!  So I started.  And usually I find I wish I had said, "I love you," or listened better. So the next day I say and do what I wished I had done! Bless that wonderful mom for that fabulous idea! Today I see more clearly how every day matters and is leading towards ends and beginnings. Today I resolve to begin and end more days with deliberate expressions of love to those around me. Today I consciously acknowledge that the seemingly uneventful is full of power and potential. 

You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they will be a little bigger then they are today. This day is a gift. Breathe and notice. ...Enjoy today ...           It will be over before you know it. 

-Jen Hatmaker

Remember the Rice

We did an experiment recently. We talked to rice. Seriously, we did. I had two jars of cooked rice and gave instructions to my family to talk very nicely to the jar full of rice marked "love."  A second jar of rice was marked "hate" and passed around with instructions to talk meanly into that jar.  Why would anyone do such a thing?  Well, I heard two motivational speakers share this idea with large audiences and I wanted to give it a try. So with a few strange looks from my family, statements like "You cute little rice, you are so darling!  You always do the right thing!  We are so proud of you," were spoken to those little grains in the love jar. Statements like "You are terrible! I am so disappointed," and the like were spoken to those little grains in the hate jar.  Then they were both shoved back into a dark corner of the pantry.  A couple of months later I pulled them out and this is what I saw:

I was stunned.  My family would not have believed it had they not seen it with their own eyes. What a difference! Now I know this little family exercise was not carried out with scientific precision. Nevertheless, the results were shocking and their implications for our daily conversation about how we believe in each other and treat each other were even more compelling. Words have power!

Similarly, Masaru Emoto; a Japanese author and researcher born in 1934, conducted experiments that showed words and thoughts can change the molecular structure of water.  He is well known for the water crystals created when he labeled bottles of water then placed them in subzero temperatures and photographed the crystals.  The results are here: Dr Masaru Emoto's Water Experiment - Words are Alive!  Learning of his experiments and seeing the rice give new understanding to the power of words.  When conversations get a little tense here, we say, "Remember the RIce."  Or "Don't hurt my inner rice." 

When you finish reading this, you will have opportunities to share all kinds of words. What will they be? Will they be healing or hurtful? Kind or curt? Joyful or jabbing? Clearly they will have more impact than we might ever have imagined. Literally, we have the opportunity before us to create a better world, word by word every day. 

 Gentle words bring life and health; 
a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
-Proverbs 15:4

"And God Saw That It Was Good"

"And God saw that it was good." This is the pronouncement at day's end during the creation record in Genesis. After the dry lands are separated from the earth, after the grass, herb and tree are created, God says "it was good." Continuing up to the crowning creation of Eve, it changes to "very good" on the sixth day. 

As I go to bed, I realized I recount the negative; those things that did not happen, and the never ending to do list. At day's end, I'm seeing what is NOT good. This leads to unrestful sleep, discouragement and some anxiety. 

So recently reading God's pronouncement on his creations at the end of each day, I felt the Lord giving me a message to change my pattern. I saw that If God saw that at the end of each creation period, it was good, then I would too. Celebration is the new evening plan. Simple declarations of good such as:

• We ate dinner! 
• Some dishes are getting done! 
• I smiled at my children! 
• I sent an inspiring text to tell a family member I loved them.
• Wahoo!  We rock here!
• It was good! 
• I see that It is good.

I am amazed at the measure of peace that follows. Celebration creates a psychological fortress that keeps out the discouragement and is emotionally indispensable. 

All these years I've read the creation record and failed to see the critical component at the end of the day, until now.  Now I have a way to put in place the good each day where it belongs in a verbal pronouncement.  And that is "very good!"

Believe

Who can guess the amount of good that comes from simply knowing someone believes in you?  Parents are in the most critical position to give these life changing expressions of belief to the little people in their care.  "You can do it!"  "I knew you could!"  "Of course you'll make it!"  "One more step!" These are just a few of the countless encouraging comments given in families every day that light the way to growth and progress. Those positive expressions are more powerful than we know. 

Both neighbors and strangers can also express belief in ways that lift us long beyond the time the words are said. I crossed a busy parking lot one day, holding my children's hands and shepherding children to the side of me after attending an event. As a car drove by my little family, (meaning little in stature, not little in number) a man leaned out the window of his family car and said, "My children and I think you look like a fun mom."  That made my day!  Well then, I think I will be a fun mom, I thought.

It was a simple but powerful expression of belief.  To have others believe in you is one of the greatest blessings on this earth.  But to believe in others is an invitation to an even greater treasure.

That is the challenge to myself and my invitation to you: To express belief to both loved ones in your home and the community near and worldwide in the simplest of ways. Tell your son, your husband, the neighbor and the stranger at the grocery store something good you see in them.  Express your gratitude, encouragement, delight and heartfelt belief in others efforts particularly in family and watch the goodness ripple outward. 

I believe in you. I believe in your family. I believe in the goodness of people everywhere who brilliantly live and give the kind of love that believes and sacrifices for another. Be that light in the darkness and the ripple in the pond.  Believe.

You Are Not Alone

Some time ago, I asked a dear friend a parenting question.  As helpful as answers would have been, It was also helpful to her her say, "You know, I never did very well with that."  And a different kind of helpful reached my soul. It was the feeling: "you are not alone."  The companion thought being, "I struggle with that too."

With profound gratitude, I thank those who have traveled the parenting path and provided, support, encouragement, principles and answers for me.  We all need help and reassurance as we travel the family journey.  In a different way,  I feel deeply connected to those who offered the support and love and reassurance by simply having lived through similar experiences and helping me feel, "you are not alone."

Perhaps you too have lost a loved family member. Maybe as an adult, in their childhood, or before being born. Learning of the ache others have felt and their comfort eased my pain. You are not alone.

Perhaps you have lost a family member to different values and paths that cause a deep anguish in your soul. You are not alone.

Perhaps your family has struggles with unresolvable health issues, addictions,  debilitating patterns and habits. There is help available and you are not alone.

Perhaps you have questions, uncertainties or financial problems. Whatever your challenge, someone has faced something similar and can offer solace, counsel, and friendship.

I have not experiences all of these, but I know those who have. And I have received strength from others who have reminded me, "you are not alone."

There are wonderful mothers and fathers and children out there living every day the best they know how. We have so much to offer each other. Let your voice be heard. Ask questions, share your successes, give comfort. I created a new website at family-to-family.com to do just that. It is set up so families can share with each other on the Family to Family Facebook page. You are needed. Families helping families. Families cheering other families. Family to family. You are not alone.

We are all connected, and kindness is that voice that softly says, 

"I see you.  I honor you.  You are not alone."  

-Kelly Rae Roberts

He Watches Over Me

My Dad helps me plant corn every year.  He is 89 and knows planting is an art, wants to train my children, and loves me. His garden vision is the agricultural version of Michelangelo who said: “In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me..." He sees the journey from the seed in his hand to the final corn served on the table in August with butter and salt and pepper. He wants me to know how to do that too.  

My Dad taught me the value of working hard, the importance of taking care of what you have, and the prize of independence. He taught me to grow vegetables, mow a lawn and drive a tractor.  He worked by my side to can tomatoes and applesauce. He works by the side of my children as he mentors the next generation. My favorite phrase of his is "Let's go!" He takes charge of his life, never makes excuses and tries hard to follow through. 

He tells the story of his father, Cyril, who was hired to haul dirt with a team of horses on a work project in Emigration Canyon during the depression when cash was scarce. The men were complaining that he was delivering the dirt faster than they could shovel, and didn't want to work that hard.  The foreman said, "Unless you slow down and the men stop complaining, we don't need your help any more." Cyril left the job, came home and told his wife, "Unless I can put in an honest day's work, I will not work." She didn't feel the same way and worried about being able to put food on the table. Two days later,  the same foreman stood at their front door and asked if he could come into their home. He said to Cyril and his wife that they had tried to get other teams of horses and other men and scrapers to pull the dirt down from the top of the hill onto the pipe and culvert, but none could do the job.  He stated, 

"Would you consider my apology for our position and your determination to do the right thing and will you come back and do the work?  The men have all agreed they will not complain about your efforts." 

This left a great impression on my Dad about the value of integrity and hard work. Sharing values, teaching, protecting. That's what fathers do. God sends fathers to do His work of watching over his children. It is a divine pattern. I watch over my corn as I water, weed, and fertilize and feel my Dad's watchful care and influence.  And as my corn grows, I feel Heaven's watchful care as well as God endorses and blesses my fathers teachings.

Harmony

Harmony -that blessed state of different notes that are in agreement or pleasing.  This was the name of a recent high school multi-choir spring performance. Of course they sang in beautiful harmony, but the evening held something of far greater value.  The three part program was created around the following three themes:  We are More the Same than Different, The Price of Discord and Reaching toward Harmonious Unity; themes that echo the current culture wars of our nation.  Embedded in the words, the program structure and the beautiful energy and vibrance of teenagers was the message, we can find unity-our unity is more important than our differences.

If we want the national tide to turn to harmony, we must acknowledge, believe and value diversity as well as recognize our common humanity. Then our homes can be safe places to express ourselves, learn, and grow.

With a large family, there are no shortages of differences of opinion. We all know really well, how to share an opposing view. Often, however, my children, lead out in the vital skill of resolving conflict by respectful listening.  One son has repeatedly said as differences come up, "When can we talk about his mom?"  And as we talk, he will repeat, "So this is what I hear you saying..." and "That is interesting. I'll think about that."  He models open communication, validation even though he may disagree. He sticks to listening and really hearing far better than I do. We are learning to hold the tenuous value that we can have different opinions and get along. And the even better magical place where both our opinions morph as we seek for understanding.  How valuable are young people, children and adults everywhere who understand the principle of listening, really listening to understand. Those who work hard to stay in meaningful and respectful dialogue, rather than shout phrases, and accusations that inhibit progress.  Our home, communities, nations and world will be so much better as we kindly demonstrate these capacities.  How stunning when a disagreement or difference of opinion does not end in discord but rather a gathering point for understanding.

William James, the great Harvard psychologist said, "Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."

That is what I saw in the high school choir. An effort to deepen understanding and not damage it. And they knew it!  The youth that sang these songs knew that they had a meaningful message for their audience.  Thank you to wonderful youth who sang that night and thousands like you who work for a more peaceful world. Bless you for inspiring your audience to focus on similarities, respect and value differences, and seek for harmonious understanding.