What Are We Fighting For?

Ahhh!  September 22nd, marked another successful hobbit party. My son creates space each year for friends to gather and honor the hobbits of middle earth. It is always a delightful gathering of young adults who dress up and enjoy chicken legs, mushrooms, potatoes, and radishes. The shire music is in the background as they eat their lembas bread with herbal tea. They make speeches, sing music and have trivia contests. Two blow torches lit the 144 candles on the cake that honored both Bilbo and Frodo together.  (The blow torches were this years brilliant innovation!) 

Perhaps my favorite moment is at the very end of the movie when, Sam, Rosie, and their children go inside their adorable hobbit home and shut the door. And that is one of the incredibly poignant messages!  Right there. All the sacrifice, battles, difficult journeys, and all the soul-wrenching decisions and desperate attempts against all odds, and all the willingness to plunge into darkness and evil to save middle earth, was so the family could reunite and be safe and happy at home. And that moment at the conclusion of the movie, is the culminating event that justifies all that has just transpired. That small scene answers the question: "What are we fighting for?"  Home. Family. Happiness. Two ordinary hobbits; Sam and Frodo played major roles in saving both Middle Earth and the Shire and the home. 

Sam: And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.
Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for. 

- Sam and Frodo in Lord of the Rings

Similarly ordinary people in every country on every continent play major roles in saving their families every day, so that there can be happiness at home when the door closes. It is the good worth fighting for.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:A_Hobbit_House.jpg

What Are You Trading Today?

As a child I remember bringing home the candy after trick or treating on Halloween. So many wonderful pieces of candy! Then the best part was the trading circle. We would bring our piles of candy to the circle and trade. Snickers were better than skittles in my sugar hierarchy and I remember it took a lot of bubblegums to get a snickers.

Perhaps life is a big game of trading. Trading our time and our money for what we think is of most worth is what we do with or without intention every day.  Conversations, education, reading, lessons, media, sports, serving, working, limitless possibilities can be traded for the minutes, hours, days and years. Vacations, lessons, toys, homes, transportation, games, food, and more endless choices are purchased with our pennies and dollars every day. We trade according to our values. Eve traded an apple to lead the human race into mortality and God's plan. Esau traded his birthright for a mess of pottage. Esther risked her security to save a nation from destruction.  The Savior offers a trade: our sins for His grace. We offer our contrite hearts and He gives His spirit, strength and joy. 

As our pocketbooks diminish and the time ticks on the trading goes on and the rules suggest that we become at the end what we have traded to be. What we trade and sacrifice for becomes part of who we are. One of my favorite poems by Anne Campbell speaks of a trade that mothers make.  

You are the trip I did not take, you are the pearls I did not buy,                       You are my blue Italian lake, you are my piece of foreign sky.

You are my Honolulu moon, you are the book I did not write,
You are my heart's unuttered tune, you are a candle in my night. 

You are the flower beneath the snow, in my dark sky a bit of blue,
Answering disappointment's blow with "I am happy! I have you!”

I love that poem! That trade was one one the best I have ever made. With Anne Campbell I say, "I am happy! I have you!" 

Sisters

As I walked out of Walmart this week, my eyes met with another woman about my age and we exchanged a smile and a knowing glance. I'm fairly certain we would be instant friends and have a wonderful conversation, given the chance.

I've been pondering the connection women have with each other. My daughter experienced this connection as she walked over Utah prairie for four days pushing a handcart in a pioneer simulation. The highlight of her experience as well as many others was an event called the women's pull. The women's pull refers to the part of the trail in which the young women and women pushed their handcarts up a steep hill. The men at the top were not allowed to help on this section of the trail. These women of all ages, linked arms at the base of the trail, they talked about the steep trail ahead, acknowledged the power and love of heaven as well as the power and love of each woman there. They talked of the women that went before them - pioneer women. They spoke of angels. Then each went to their handcarts and started the ascent. Many men were in tears and amazed at the determination and power of the women they watched pulling the handcarts. One young man said, "I watched them get to the top, then go back down and help the others, it was awesome." Another commented how humbling it was as a guy to watch that. The inspired leader of the men, told the men, "You will want to help them as you see them coming up. One of the things we learn, is that some challenges we will need to face on our own. There are challenges our loved ones will face on their own. The feeling of helplessness we feel today might be preparation for something further down the road, like a loved one who is ill, or a friend at school with a challenge and sometimes all we can do is offer love and encouragement and be there for them. Think about the role you could take to ease the burden of the women you love in your life."

I saw the photos and videos of these powerful women, perhaps not in stature, but assuredly powerful souls, shoulder to shoulder pulling the handcarts at the front and pushing from behind. Buckets carrying the belongings of both the women and the men weighted each handcart. The strain was visible in each woman, but the determination was even more visible. 

It makes me weep just to see it again in my mind and I'm asking myself why. In a conversation with one of the young men, we determined that both young men and young women felt a deep respect for the load the women carried. He could see that both men and women see, respond and contribute differently, because of the innate and unique gifts of each gender. There on the prairie, on a hot day, in pioneer clothes, in a simulation, that reality was visible and tangible. The sisterhood was visible and tangible.

Sisterhood. Caring. Understanding. Memories include my neighbor who washed my dishes and prepared raspberry tea for me after the birth of one of my children, my amazing and adorable 12-year-old neighbor who knocked on my door last week and said "Did you see the sunset? I didn't want you to miss it!" My sister, who sends the most endearing texts. My mother who expresses her encouragement and faith in me. My daughters, who hug and validate me. The women who helped teach my children as we homeschooled them together. I treasure the conversations I had with women from Africa and the Carribean at the United Nations, with whom I felt a sisterhood. There is nothing like it anywhere! I don't have words to describe that deep and abiding comfort, the validation and understanding that another woman or girl gives. I understand there are many things I must face on my own, but I also sense deeply that other women who face their challenges as well, cheer me on, have my back, and share the victories. My sisters, I love you.

Fathers - We Need You!

An audible "ahhh" of delight and respect came from the international attendees in the room. The speaker at a CSW 61 United Nations session had just shown a picture of his family on the screen.  In the midst of two weeks of discussion about women's rights, women's challenges, women's needs, refugee camps, abuse, trafficking, with almost no discussion of men or fathers, the family picture brought an immediate connection to the hearts of those in the room. Family. Fathers. How can fathers contribute to lasting solutions to strengthen women and families?

Countering the current cultural attitude that fathers are irrelevant for mothers and girls, Timothy Rarick shared research on the emotional, academic, social and mental benefits that girls gain from being raised by engaged fathers. He shared, "Saying men are expendable hurts women. Girls need their fathers." Research shows: "Daughters with absent fathers are twice as likely to live in poverty, commit crime or dropout of high school.  (National Fatherhood Initiative.) Absent fathers, as defined by Rarick, can be either physically absent or emotionally detached. Rarick said in such cases, daughters are seven times more likely to have a teen pregnancy, exhibit behavioral problems and face abuse.

More research shows the type of activities that fathers engage in is different than that of mothers and has distinct benefits for the children. For instance they way they share pretend stories, roughhouse and engage in physical activities such as sports and chores, improves academic and social skills traceable to the unique contribution of an engaged dad.

Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash

And that is what I've seen. I remember my Dad, reading and telling me stories, throwing us in the warm springs at Granite Creek, and teaching me how to plant flowers and vegetables. He gave me assignments and followed up on them. His interactions were different than my mom's although their overall goals were the same. I'm grateful for his phone calls, concern and wisdom during my mothering years. I reflect on these influences more tenderly, since his passing and recognize their valuable influence in my life. 

Perhaps a recent interchange from my Dad before he died, reflects his integrity and wisdom. In sharing with my dad my desire of pursuing a course that I felt would teach my children and my frustration at receiving unending resistance prompted him to say, "I struggle with the same thing. You gotta live with yourself. Do what you know is right."

I've watched my husband read stories, join the joyful roughhousing that follows coming home from work and his efforts to encourage and coach soccer. I've watched him teach garden skills, music skills and taught our children to shovel snow and mow lawns and serve others with these abilities. I've watched him read scriptures to the children, testify of God and worship side by side. I know fathers are indispensable! I make a call for dads! We need you! Your engaged and unselfish influence, your lead, your integrity and example of keeping your word, makes all the difference. And your example spills over into every family who watches you. Your strength strengthens others. Your protection protects others. 

When among a father's greatest concerns are his family, there is a feeling of deep respect and connection, just like the audible "ahhh" in the room at the UN. Engaged, loving and respectful relationships benefit not only the daughters and mothers, but women, men, boys and ultimately the family. The preservation of this most basic institution is core to a healthier, happier world. 

• https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865681865/What-research-says-about-dad-and-how-one-BYU-researcher-dad-tries-to-live-up-to-it.html
• http://byuiscroll.org/why-daughters-need-present-fathers/
• Free download of Family Capital and the SDG's http://www.familycapital17sdgs.org/sdg-book-complete/

From "Me, Me, Me," to Saving the Planet

"Me! Me! Me!" cried one of my younger children one day, "I just want to shout me!"  I chuckled. It was a wonderful reminder of personal celebration, and the universal need for validation. At the same time, we are all painfully aware that this refrain is caustic if it is a constant worldview in an older child or adult. Becoming a person of substance and healing means looking outside ourselves and outward as we observe and meet others' needs. 

I marveled at a recent youth service event, as the young men and young women joyfully and willingly helped others in their neighborhood by weeding, planting, and beautifying yards. I watched as they cheerfully reached out to others with brownies and smiles. The energy they brought back after working was almost tangible.  One youth said to me, "Hey if you need help with your yard, I can help you," and another youth you overheard him, piped up, "I can help too!"  I realized they wanted more. More opportunity. More of that feeling. I wish I could express how beautiful this simple exchange was to me. 

The peaceful and joyful simplicity returned earlier this week, as I came in the door and stood in my kitchen. "I love this," I said out loud, "Where is this coming from?" One child was cooking dinner on the stove and another child was chopping meat for the pot. They prepared a gluten-free version for me on the side that I could take with me as I was headed out the door shortly. Again, I felt this joy in the simplicity of simple giving in a family - that of feeding each other and taking care of each other.

I'm reminded that small and simple acts and words make all the difference and can be done so easily. A smile, a kind word, a willing hand, encouragement, sharing and praise are so simple to give and literally change the planet a kindness at a time.

Looking outward is a critical skill in a self-absorbed culture. If the world will not drown in its self-reflection in the narcissistic, and stagnant pool, it will be because the rising generation earnestly seeks to make the world a better place. And my observation after watching them is there is great hope for the planet. 

"She Had Compassion"

I recently fell in love with a painting and we (the painting and I) had a long conversation.  It is titled "She Had Compassion." by Elspeth Young.
https://www.alyoung.com/art/work-daughter_of_pharaoh.html
The painting was of Pharaoh's daughter pulling Moses out of the river. One could observe the tender hands and loving desire to save this baby from the death decree of a fearful Pharaoh that male babies must be thrown in the river. The record states the princess saves the infant and later raises him in the Egyptian palace. She could not have known that day the life she saved would one day lead his people out of Egyptian bondage, save the entire Israelite nation, and be revered as a prophet for four thousand years.  

As I pondered the sequence of events that led to lifting this baby out of the river of death, I find four very different women who were key players in saving the Moses that saved a nation.

The first in this quartet is Shiprah. I deeply admire that she defied the destructive instructions from Pharaoh to kill the Hebrew male babies born while serving as midwife. The record states that the Lord dealt well with her and Puah who likewise refused to kill the male babies.

The second is Jochabed, the mother of Moses who carefully hid the infant and then set him out in the ark basket that without intervention would have become his casket. She protected that life, most likely at risk of her own life, with faith in God.

Miriam, sister to Moses, is the third in this narrative, who watches and protects the basket as it comes to the fourth woman in this life giving, life protecting quartet, Pharaoh's daughter. The record states, "she had compassion" and lifted him from the river.

I identify with these four women.  I love that each are so different, yet acted on the deepest feelings and gifts within to give and protect life. The choice of motherhood presented to Pharaoh's daughter resonates deeply with me. My family is my choice. It has not failed me in any way to bring continual joy, personal growth and increased capacity in a difficult and profoundly rewarding path. Motherhood gives me the gifts of deep meaning and satisfaction. Nurturing life has been brought education and knowledge about divine and earthly priorities. Both the slave and the princess chose the gifts of female biology and divine nature. There are Shiprahs and Miriams today as well, women who give strength and support to each other in the most influential calling and career.

The image of lifting from the river has repeatedly been impressed on my mind for days.  From a murky, treacherous river of lies, doubt and destruction mothers today courageously, and fearlessly live, defend and testify of the truth that mothers are the stabilizing force of society and change lives every day. I applaud mothers who act on the understanding that babies are the greatest force for good in the world. I cheer mothers who seek to nurture their children to achieve their highest potential. I revere mothers who defy the current culture of self-serving lies that demean motherhood and choose to act on the deepest feelings of their soul to give and protect life. While these four women may not have exactly known the identity of this baby, they each acted on their understanding of their divine identity. The painting "She Had Compassion" continues to teach me of eternal identity, the gift of compassion, and inspires me to lift from the river again and again and again.

Listen and Learn

You have probably heard the story of the frustrated mother who told her little boy in exasperation, "I've told you not to go past the corner," and he innocently replies, "Mom what's a corner?" We 've all done it.  I've reprimanded a child only to find out they had already done their chores or were sick. We didn't listen or find out. We made assumptions or missed the bigger picture.

I sense there is a problem like that in our world. We think we understand it so well, perhaps thinking why don't people fall in line, only to find out, we made assumptions and missed something.

In this sureness, we find it easy to criticize, blame and label. Sound familiar? So easy to do in our homes, on social media and in the marketplace. In our frustration, we are eager to march in a march, join a cause, or shout a loud refrain. Surely banding together with like minded people will solve problems or so we think.

What is missing? I'm struck by an answer given by David Brooks: 

"I’m beginning to think the whole depressing spectacle of this moment — the Trump presidency and beyond — is caused by a breakdown of intellectual virtue, a breakdown in America’s ability to face evidence objectively, to pay due respect to reality, to deal with complex and unpleasant truths. The intellectual virtues may seem elitist, but once a country tolerates dishonesty, incuriosity and intellectual laziness, then everything else falls apart."                 David Brooks, "Find a Way to Roll Back Fanaticism," New York Times, Aug 15, 2017 

At least part of the answer seems to be we need to learn, seek answers, and find out more information. This takes work, time and effort. Without this honest and curious capacity to learn, things fall apart. Applying introspective honesty, we may find part of the problem lies within ourselves. This takes courage to pursue. How can we approach the complex and difficult issues with a wider lens? In the wake of "Walk Out," and "Women's March," and with the understanding that I believe most of us want to reduce violence and give equality to women, I suggest the following: 

• Make the intellectual effort to understand the cause, its founders, its purpose and its founding principles and documents.  
• Listen to what both sides have to say and why they feel the way they do.
• Research who wants this cause/event/march/philosophy.
• What will be the result for individual people and their freedom?
• What will be the result for groups of people and nations?
• Who will benefit from this cause/event/philosophy?
• What has happened historically with this concept/event/cause?
• Will the means achieve the ends? Are there other paths to that end?
• What effect will this have on children?

To put things back together, we simply must look past the tiny lens of our own experience and listen and learn. Not too long ago I sat in a committee room at the state capitol on a very divisive issue. After asking a young man nearby, why he was for the bill in question, I realized that there were many ways to look at the issue, and people see solutions in a variety of ways. We would do well to listen more, learn more, and ask critical questions. Only then may we realize that we all have pieces of the solution.